Chasing "enough"
The outcome is never going to be enough, but the process can be
The inspiration for this topic is spurred by a conversation I had with an athlete who has been struggling to prove her value and worth in the pro track world as an unsponsored athlete. She’s been working to find validation, that feeling of “I belong” and essentially knowing what she has accomplished is “enough.” Enough to call herself a professional, enough to earn a pro contract, enough to feel proud of herself and her accomplishments.
In the middle of our conversation I realized that I have actually done all of the things she thinks she needs to do to get that feeling of satisfaction. I’ve won an NCAA title, I have had multiple sponsorship deals, went to the Olympics, made 5 USA teams, competed in the Diamond League final, won a US National Championship… and I STILL oftentimes feel like it’s not enough, like I’m not enough. All the time I feel like I need to do more to continue to prove myself, to earn the respect of my peers, to deserve my sponsorship deals, and to feel proud of myself.
I ended my track season about 2 weeks ago and have been taking a break from running ever since flying home from my last race in China. This has been a good time to do some reflection on the year so far and check in with myself. How am I doing? Well, it’s complicated (isn't it always?).
All I wanted for this year in terms of running goals was to put together a healthy track season. I decided not to do any steeplechase races this year and focus on just flat running in order to support that goal of staying on my feet. I also set out to launch a professional track team- not a small feat! I didn’t have a completely healthy year with a couple of setbacks along the way, but I raced 8 times and had a track season for the first time since 2020.
Early in the year I went to Des Moines, Iowa and competed at the US Road Mile National Championships and Drake Relays. I ran 4:41 in the road mile and 4:33 in the track mile. Not a bad start. And then I poured so much of my energy into launching Meridia on June 4th that my running took a major hit in May/June and I had to put racing on pause for a bit. I traveled with Meridia to USAs in July, but played a supporting role and didn’t compete. Right around that time I started gaining some momentum (both with my training and with Meridia). So I planned a racing circuit that would take me to 5 races in 5 countries. So fun! I haven’t written a newsletter since before that, so here’s the results of that:
Aug 8: Sir Walter Miler, Raleigh, NC (mile in 4:32.94): This event is super fun- the team puts on a great community event and allows spectators to come on to the track and infield to cheer which creates an awesome energy for the runners. I had so much fun at this event!
Aug 16: Meeting Vor Mon in Leuven, Belgium (1500m in 4:10.38): With 500m to go I was IN the race, passing people on the backstretch and I thought, “hell, I might win this thing!” I didn’t… but it felt really good to even have a chance! I was 5th and ran faster than I’ve run in years.
Aug 20: BMC Tooting Bec, London (3k in 9:00.33 🥇) This was a pretty quick turnaround from Leuven and I was STOKED at how well my body recovered. I got the WIN too which was so fun!
Aug 30: Monument Mile, Stirling, Scotland (mile in 4:33.38): Remember how in my last update I shared how I was loving the song “Light, Dark, Light” by Fred again… well the Monument Mile felt like a bit of a dark patch for me. I had some stuff going on personally that whole week leading into the race that was knocking me off my center and I wasn’t able to show up to the race with the same joy and energy that I had before my first few races. It’s so hard for me to separate my running and races from my personal life and that’s definitely something I need to work on.
Sept 7: Continental Tour Gold label meet in Beijing, China (3k in 9:05.05) It’s a bummer to end the season on this note, but I was having a lot of foot pain leading into this race. I took 4 days off after the Monument Mile and by the time I got to race in China I was just feeling grateful to able to line up even though I wasn’t feeling 100%. I was also really missing Kevin, Pie and Six by this point. Next year I gotta figure out how to get Kevin to come with me for part of a long racing series like this.
When I reflect on this “world tour” I have mixed emotions. Part of me is so proud of myself for getting back out there and having a track season for the first time in years while simultaneously launching a team and navigating all of the confusing and surprising challenges that came along with that. I’m also proud of the way I did both- I gave myself grace when I needed to take breaks, and I cheered for myself when I made progress along the way.
Then the dark side is the voices that are saying “it’s not enough.” Of course I truly wanted more. I wanted to run faster and finish stronger, I wanted Meridia to take off in a bigger way and grow a following faster. I wanted to create more content, tell more stories, reach more people, foster more connections with fans. I’m left with that familiar feeling that despite all my efforts, it’s not enough.
This week I got the chance to talk to some runners in Boston while filming a fun YouTube video with Runna and I realized that (of course) this “not enough” feeling is so common. We all feel like we are constantly coming up short. If we don’t reach our goals, we feel like failures. But the truly messed up part is that even when we reach our goals, we usually realize that after the initial celebrations are over, the accomplishment didn’t give us what we were really looking for. And then we just make another, bigger goal to chase. Pro golfer Scottie Scheffler did his best to express this same concept in a press conference. One of the best golfers in the world is asking “what’s the point?” of winning a huge golf tournament when the joy of that only lasts a night before everyone just starts asking about the next one.
The problem (I think) is that we are looking for the result to give us happiness and joy that we feel we are lacking before doing the thing. This is such a common problem with Olympic athletes and is the cause of the Olympic depression phenomenon that Michael Phelps made an entire documentary about. My advice to the runners in Boston was essentially this:
The result has to be a bonus. If while working towards your goals you are enjoying your time, feeling good about what you are doing and feeling fulfilled by the journey, then the result can be whatever it will be and you will be okay. If you have to have a certain result in order to be happy, that’s a dangerous spot. Sometimes things happen outside of your control that affect that end result and if it doesn’t fall in your favor but you’ve had the best time in the process, you’ll be okay with it.
One of my favorite athletes, Naomi Osaka, didn’t make the finals of the US Open in New York recently. I’m sure she fell short of her outcome goal. But in the press conference interview and on her Instagram she shared that she had the best time in New York and seemed genuinely at peace with the result. As per usual, Naomi is mindset goals!
My results on paper from this summer may not be “enough” but I really did enjoy the process and I’m proud of myself for sticking with it on all the challenging days where I felt lost, frustrated, confused, sad, or downright angry. Because enjoying the process doesn’t mean it’s going to be fun and silly every second of every day. I’m allowing myself to feel the full range of emotions, while training my brain to see all the good things, all the positive things that are happening all around me every single day.
Looking through my iphone camera roll from the last few months, I’m reminded of all the great things I was able to experience with people I love.
Some highlights of the summer:
-Doing 2 workouts in Eugene with Coach Juli Benson there in person (we usually work remotely).
-Eating waffles with my FSU teammate, Linden Hall, in Leuven, Belgium
-Making a new friend in Christina Aragon and traveling with her to 3 races
-Exploring a new city, Edinburgh, and falling in love with it!
-Winning a race! And feeling good doing it!
-Watching Sky break 2min in the 800 at USAs and then watching her chug a beer in 3 seconds afterwards
-Being reunited with Kevin, Pie, and Six when I got back to LA. There’s truly no better feeling than being home.
2025 was the summer I finally launched the professional team of my dreams AND had a track racing season for the first time in 5 years. And that’s more than enough. No matter what your Olympic-sized dream is, if you can get to a place where the outcome is truly a very happy bonus and the process itself is a dream come true… leave a comment on this newsletter and let me know your secret ;)
This is spot on. The arrival fallacy is a real thing! The best goals are ones that align with our values and the way we want to spend our time day-to-day. Congrats on a wonderful year!
I never feel satisfied Colleen with whatever I do in life, not even after reaching a big goal. It is simply the way I have grown up and because of all the other things going around me but since the last couple of months I am a lot of at peace even though I look forward towards the next thing always. I have simply said to myself take risks, whether or not I achieve that particular goal, time or place- it does not matter I don't have to stick to that result as at the end everybody has got the journey even though they don't have the expected result or not which means we should try to enjoy the journey as at the end if one don't get the result- they will be proud of they showed up and were present for the process.
There has been a lot going on about fulfillment, happiness while striving for goals and then there has been a lot of preaching about PROCESS vs OUTCOME. I totally understand there will not be fullfilment after winning any running, cycling, golf, basketball or any kind of thing. But would we be working towards that goal if we would knew that we won't ever achieve that in the future. We hope and preach to our selves that CHOP WOOD CARRY WATER, keep putting in the work and we will do great in future and amongst all of this the whole process gets lost. We stop sometime in near future & then realize we felt bad for not getting under 3 Hour mark or whatever it is for the individual. Isn't running 3:01 while enjoying fully not better than running 3:00:01 and feeling the worst for not getting under the mark. Keep redefining our goals is great for our selves & we must not attach our identity to any number or race. It is all just in our minds.
It simply boils downs to Control the Controllables. What we can control is our effort, attitude and energy we are giving to any activity. If we achieve, it is good and if we don't then analyze & learn from it & start putting in the work how to better it next time. I have kept myself in the shell since I have started running June of 2020. For the past 5 years I was too afraid if will blow in the race or if it doesn't go my way and my ITRA score was a mediocre 510. This year I ran a 24 Hour Stadium Run in March in which I covered 175 Kilometres. Then I ran a 19 Kilometre trail race with 1900 metres of elevation gain and got an ITRA score of 620 for that particular race and now my overall score is 613. I didn't even taper for this race as I ran 212 Kilometres in a week leading to race & didn't prepare for this race's specificity, yeah running training was there. Earlier I was too afraid but now I am taking risks and I am not afraid to blow up. Taking risks has to be kept the forefront as if a couple of races don't go my way and i blow up, let it be. I won't care about this in a decade & all the race results are a tiny blip in this continuum of earth's timeline. I was shooting for a 750 ITRA score till the end of this year but I am hanging around 640. I have won the last 2 races but am quite pissed off that they were run quite slow by me and field didn’t had depth too.
We as athletes are afraid while riding razors edge of training to reach our potential and not injure/harm ourselves during the process. And every thing that brings with injured athlete is barrage of thoughts and non movement is the last thing an athlete wants. But it is inevitable that an athlete has to go down this road of harming themselves once or number of times during the whole numbers of years they run. But it is we need to learn from that specific period.
I keep preaching to myself and others as well that- All of the worth or attention has been created by my own cognition as I am living in this tiny world trail & ultra running, outside this nobody knows what the heck is this. An don this earth’s timeline, it doesn’t matter much but putting it to application is one of the toughest things to do. The main thing is also to cherish the process as well because at the end- even if one doesn’t achieve the goal, one still has the process. So better try to savor and enjoy it with the people you love an don’t try to be a ball of anxiety for them as well. I am trying but ain’t seeing the progress regarding this. But we as athletes possess perfectionist traits and have TYPE-A personalities which hinders to apply this.